DAYSHAL'S JOURNAL | wilheminaswar

Dayshal's Journal:

Friday July 18

Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the this world alone. It's so hard living with HIV in the south it seem like everybody got something bad to say about it. If I didn't have God and my loving family I would've been took my life along time ago but I know God died for me so I'm gone have to take it one day at a time. I'm only 19 years old and I know I got more to see in life. People say 'that's girl have that stuff you shouldn't talk to her or hang around her. It's a shame how people could be with her.' It's crazy how people could think so negative about what I got; like I tell them I didn't ask for it but I know I got to live with it and do my part so I can stay healthy.

Monday July 21

Today is just one of my alone days I just want to sleep 'n don't want to talk. This is just one of those days I have all the time I feel down n' depressed.

JC: I'm sorry we all have those days. What's bothering you?

D: Ion know but I just sent that so you can put it on the website.

Wednesday July 30

I have been talking to this girl for a about a month and I finally told her my life story. It took so much inside me to tell her because I got put down by so many people, but when I told her she said, 'I'm glad u told me but my feelings ain't going to change and I respect u for that.' I told her I did it because I like her a lot 'n before we take it further I wanted her to know the real me. then she said I like u too so what's next with us. I told her 'its whateva' she told me, 'what is it that u want?' I told her to be together but have a friendship in between she said 'that's cool' and she glad that she can be a happiness in my life.

Wednesday August 20

Today I found out my family ain't really family. They talk about me like a dog! Never thought my own blood would bad mouth me calling me "a nasty infected girl." My own sista told somebody that and didn't think I would find out but it's cool. I don't need her long as I got God 'n my Grandma I'll b good as gold best believe that. I was staying with (my sister) until I get my trailer right but I moved out today n back in my own place because I don't need to be around people like that. My attitude is bad and I might hurt her so I went out shopping to get a few things I need to get back home where I belong. She gone get hers one day best believe that.

Sunday Sept. 28

I went to a trip in Fort Walton Beach, Florida (the Positive Womens' Network summit). I was scared, but when i got there I met alot of new people. I've learned so much from everyone story they told. I had a good time and will love to go back some day so when I got back home I told everybody how much fun I had n all the good people I met along with being there. But since I'm back home i'm still not doing nothing but being stressed and depressed.. I wanna get out of SC because it's nothing here for me no matter how much I try to please people I still get they ass to kiss. So that's y I stay to myself. I'm about to start some little classes so I can get my mind off other things.

Monday Sept. 29

Living with HIV/AIDS is not easy, but if you put God 1st and have faith in yourself and a loving family to stand behind you through it all then you can get through anything and I know because everyday ain't always good, best believer that. People will talk about you and try to put you down but you got to keep your head up and don't worry about what other have to say. I'm a strong black female that is willing to let everyone know I have HIV. I'm telling my story, but it's more to me than talking about living with HIV. I love to have fun, go out, drink/smoke a lil something...make people laugh! That's just the young lady I am. You don't like it you can always stay from around me, because I'm not gone lose no sleep, I don't need friends at all as long as I put God 1st, Myself 2nd, and Family 3rd I know I can make it.

October 9

Sometimes i wonder what would it be like to live without hiv. Will people still put me down , talk about me , point fingers and laugh at me if i wasnt born with hiv ? I dont think it will be as bad as it is living with hiv, because people really dont do they homework about hiv/aids. Maybe if more people read up on it they will know we just like everybody else " normal" - the only thing different is we got a sickness that we can't make go away . I feel we living with hiv is something good because we have to take good care of our selfs we make sure that everything is all good with our sickness we gotta take medz twice a day n eat healthy.

October 9th, 3:23pm

After i got older I stop taking my medz because I had so much steessing I was doing and Im still not on it but im about to start back taking it because i dont want to get real sick 'n something happen because I got to be here to take care of my grandma when she get older. I hate to make my grandma think that im going to get sick 'n not going to be here with her , it breaks my heart when she tell me to get back on my medz because i know she care alot in dont want nothing bad to happen to me . She think I'm a be like my mother Toni Dicks but Im not. I know how far to go with my smoking/drinking and I can stop anytime I want I just dont because thats what help me stop stressing.

I dont have a job and i dont have money to help my grandma out with bills or anything I stress so much I sit around crying wondering how I'm a help but I do anything just to have money so I can almost help because I hate seeing her stress and then i be stressing thats not good for both of us . I need to find me a little side job that pay cash until I see if they gone turn my check back on for my disability since I aint get one when I was little. If they do turn my check on I wouldnt stress so much because everything wouldn't be on my grandma I would help her like I was doing when I was reciving a check from my grandpa when he past away I gave her money every month and paid my own bills too. One day I know God gone make me stress free I just got to wait patiently and I'm trying but it's so much going on . If it get worse then this I dont know what Im going to do for real I cant keep stressing like this and Im not on my medz because that can make me real sick or kill me.

OCT.17 @10:30AM

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR IN BLACKVILLE FOR MY CHECK UP AND I HAD A NEW DOCTOR AND I CAN SAY I REALLY LIKE HIM! HE LISTENS TO ME AND MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS OK AND HE CHANGED MY MEDS TO THE ONE A DAY PILL AND MADE ME A APPT TO GET A WHOLE BODY CHECK UP TO SEE WHY MY PERIODS SO HEAVY AND WHY I HAVE BAD BACK PAINS. I CAN HONESTLY SAY IM GETTING BACK ON MY MEDS THE WAY I SHOULD BE; SO WEN I CAME HOME I TOLD MY GRANDMA / MAMA THE GOOD NEWS AND SHE WAS HAPPY TO HEAR ME SAY IM GOING TO START BACK TAKING MY MEDS --- I NEVER SEEN HER SMILE THAT BIG ABOUT ANYTHING THE WAY SHE SMILED WHEN I GAVE HER THAT NEWS SO AFTER I TOLD HER I CAME HOME AND WOKE MY GIRLFRIEND UP TO TELL HER AND SHE WAS ALSO HAPPY BECAUSE SHE ASK ME EVERYDAY WHEN IM GOING TO GET BACK ON MY MEDS AND NOW THAT IM WAITING FOR (MY MEDS TO GET HERE) IM HAPPY FOR MYSELF! SO I FINALLY TOLD MY SISTER AND SHE WAS LIKE 'THATS GOOD IT AINT LIKE U TAKE IT ANYWAYS' AND IM THINKING TO MYSELF 'LIKE WHERE IS THE SUPPORT I NEED FROM HER?' BUT I AINT WORRIED I KNOW WHAT I GOT TO DO AND IT DONT MATTER IF SHE FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE A CHANGE IS COMING AND ITS MY LIFE THATS ABOUT TO CHANGE A WHOLE LOT AND IM NOT DOING IT FOR NOBODY BUT MYSELF AND MY GRANDMA BUT MOSTLY HER SO SHE CAN FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO BE AROUND A LONG TIME . I LOVE MY GRANDMA WITH EVERYTHING IN ME AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO HELP AND PROTECT HER.

DEC 6 SPEECH TO HIV GROUP AT HOLLY HILL, SC

My name dayshal Dicks and I'm HIV positive. I've been speaking about being born with it since I been 12yrs old it's been hard because I didn't want to lose friends for talking about What I have or What I been through but growing up I found out if I lose friends that I Thought I had for being real about My life then they wasn't My friends from the start. So after I got them out My life I don't have nomo drama, fights or I don't party all the time so I use to be a follower now I'm in control of My life Thank God. I stopped alot of stuff like drinking smoking all the time because I was stress but I came to say I Love My life I also grew up with a drug head mother with My father but I had a great set of grandparents it was like they had me. I got sick they was there, I couldn't sleep they was there so they all I know as parents when My grandpa past away August 2011 it was to sad because I had just lost My real mother July 2011 so I was going through alot in that year then I stop talking My medicine I just got back on them August 2014 . That next year I lost My uncle to and murder an we still don't know What happened but everything Is in God's hands after thinking all the pain was gone u lost My great-grandmother to old age she was 93 Yea old but they are in a better place now nomo stressing, drinking, smoking and drugging. After all that happen My grandma was stress free because everything was on her but she never complain because God was know her side. I never had to go through all That's alone I had My family and My girlfriend who I been with on and off since March 2011 she never got to meet My real mother but I know they would've got alone because they both just wanted to be happy and That I am she Is everything I wanted Love honesty laughter and she make sure I take care of myself like I should. I always wanted somebody to Love me for me and not judge me for anything I been through because My past relationship was based on lies. I done had people in My life act like they liked me but when it all came down they was talking about me, calling me and HIV infected girl , some spread roomers about me That's y I didn't like going to school and because I always got sick throwing up diarrah fevers so they sent me home I know I'm not the only person going or went through This but I'm here to let u know keep your head high and stand tall No matter What comes your way u can get thru it with God and family in your life.

December 10, 2014

This December Me And Brittany (My Girlfriend ) Is Putting Up A Tree An Decorating It This Is Our First Real Christmas Together And I'm Really Loving It I Never Had A Christmas Tree With Anybody Else Plus We Both Got Each Other Sumthing She Got Me A New Cellphone With 200$ Because That's All I Asked For As Long As We Together I'll Have The Best Christmas Ever. I'm Still Clueless About What To Get Her Because She So Different She Like Odd Things But That's Y I Love Her She Sweet, Funny &' Aggravation In Her Own Way. When they Passed The Same Sex Marriage everyone kept Asking Us When we gone get married like I told them one Day we not trying to rush into it right now we got all the time in the world to get married and have kids. We want two kids a boy n a girl That's it but I'm scared they gone come out HIV positive then have to go through What I went through growing up so when we think we ready I'm going to talk to My doctor about What to do to have to do for My kids not to have it. I'm going to be the best mother anybody could ever want I'm going to Love, cherish t and listen to them when that time comes. So after This Christmas everything going to be better because I'll be starting My online classes to get My diploma and to start doing things I Love to do. I want to do My whole house over paint and everything I finally feel like I'm to the place I Want to be in life Thank God for that. I'm growing up into a young lady who Is very mature for My age because some of the girls My age. Pregnant , got two or more kids No diploma or GED still living with they parents with No job or car. I'm blessed to have a grandma like the one I have now I got My own car she got me My own place and trying to get My diploma so then I can go to college and start My family and get married. I can honestly say I Love my life and the people in it.

December 17

I wake up thanking God for another blessed and wonderful Day I'm so excited about going back to school and Getting My diploma. I just wanna show the people who put me down that I can do anything I put My head to it. I'm also thankful of My family &' And My in Laws I never thought I'll have a mother n law who act just like me and Love me for who I am...I swear God put people in yo life for a reason...not for a season. This Morning I Woke up feeling loved No matter what comes My way ima always smile n not let Nothing get to me.

I'm so done with My grandma n her ways I'm the only one who break they back for her n she don't want me to have a life of My own she want me under her all Day and might I got a whole other life that doesn't have Nothing to do with her but This her last Time giving me her ass too kiss I'll do anything just time not be around her and That's wat ima do make away on My own Ion care how hard it Is ima do it to show her ion gotta depend on her I done cried My last tear .

Don't want me to spend time with My in Laws . OK I just got back home Today from a Day ago n all I hear Is u need to tell me how long u gone be gone 1st of all I'm grown I go where I please and 2nd don't come at me side ways. Then she gone say I'm kissing they ass n all kinda bs smh This My last straw with her n I mean that Wen I flip It's not gone be pretty

sorry.

January 1, 2015

Happy New Years From Me Too Y'all Hope This Is Be A Good Year For U. I brought My New Years In With My Family &' Girlfriend That's All I Needed People Who Love Me.

January 3, 2015

Mama Called &' Woke Me Up At 1am To Tell Me My Cousin Got Killed I Was Speechless N It Didn't Feel Real...That's Y I Brung In My New Years With Love All Over Me I'm Not Beefing Fighting Or Anything I Just Wanna Be Happy N Surrounded By Love. He Was My Uncle Busta Best Friend &' When My Uncle Got Killed He Always Said He Should've Been There N It Wouldn't Happen But We Love Each Other But God Love Us More N He Don't Make No Mistakes. My Day Is Going By Very Slow N Sad Because Every Time I Think About Him I Shed A Tears Saying N My Hard It Can't Be Real It's Just A Bad Dream But It's Not It's Just Life. My Grandma Is Taking It Hard Because That Was Her Nephew &' She Didn't Sleep None Last Night Because He Got Killed &' So Did Her Son N She Knew What Kinda Lifestyle They Lived.

January 14, 2015

I had a Dr appointment at 10:00am in blackville an the doctor told me Good n bad news when I was off My meds My cd4 count cells and viral lob was all messed up now its back where It's suppose to be and on top of that I got high blood pressure I have been going thru so much and don't nobody understand but me That's y I don't talk to nobody and I Keep it all inside I just wanna be happy and stress free it that to much to ask for.

Q: What is it you wish people wld understand abt u?

I was off my meds for about a yr n a half. That I'm a very stressful person n I Really need help because I stay Getting mad at Nothing n crying for No reason.

The way My life Is set up I have No money nor education I would like for My grandma to be happy

Q: What happened to the online high school you were gonna do?

(js You can get education)

Make a plan and stick with it...

January 25, 2015

I start school Tuesday @9 I'm so Happy to be back in school...I Really believe this year is my year to get my GED &' do something with It..Im not quitting this time because I need It so bad. I don't wanna be like some of my friends &' don't have It, I wanna go off to college one Day. Whats two days n school only for 4 hrs. Nothing I can do that and I am going to do It.

January 27, 2015

School went good Just gotta work on my reading but they giving me somebody to help me with it but I did good on everything else

January 28, 2015

I started school Tuesday n I can honestly say I'm not giving up this time because I wanna go to college just like my other friends it may not be the time the n there but I still wanna finish n show people that I'm not a quitter... &' I Done Made Up In My Mind That They Not Gone Turn My Check Back On So I'm Looking For A Job Too Because I Can't keep Asking people for things. So I Hope In Pray Somebody Call Me &' I Ain't Quitting The Job Either I Wanna Do For Me &' That's What Ima do

January 29, 2015

Woke Up Early To Get My Head In These Books I Wanna Past This Test Tuesday But I Prayed About It So I Know God Got My Back...sometimes I Wonder Will I Ever Be Anything In Life Besides The Girl Who Was Born HIV Positive &' Told The World Her Life Story Because It's More To Me Then Just Hiv. I Love Doing Hair And I'm Very Smart When I Wanna Be &' Im Just Gone Have To Show People I Can Do Anything I Want To If I Put My Head To It.

March 3rd 2015

I had two apptointments yesterday. I had to go see my

(Date missing)

I havent wrote in so long I really don't know where to start. I have so much in my head I just don't know what should come first the fact that I've been getting money the best way I can because I can't hold a job because I'm so worried about what others gone say when they find out that I was born with HIV and how the way they treat me change when everything comes out. I have to do everything alone I didnt ask my mama because my GF has a job and I suppose to have money but I don't because when she het paid she lie about giving my mama money and doing this around the house, so I don't ask her either, I just get money the best way I can no matter what I have to do. I pay my own phone bill and buy everything I need for my house. Or the fact I have been trying to get my GED since I was 17 years old and I'm just not smart enough to get it. Its so hard but let everybody tell it I'm so smart I can do this I can do that. No I cant so stop lying to me because if that was true I'll have a GED and a good job but I know one day God is gon make a way for me even if I don't have my GED or a job he gon fix it for me.

(Date missing)

Sometimes I sit around the house and wonder what would it feel to be lost in this world long with HIV no family, friends, money, water, clothes, and medicine to take. How would I look or feel? would I lose or gain weight? How long would I live before I die of this sickness? Would people miss me even though I have no one in my life! These are questions I would never find out or will I? Will my family or friends ever turn their backs on me? Will I one day be alone in this world with no one to call on when I'm sick and hurting? Do you think people are sometimes ashamed of saying they my family ad friends...hmm I guess I'll never know!! Do you think everybody that say they love and care about me really do??? guess I'll never know because people will not be truthful with me so these questions I just will never know!